Old People

Nearly ten years ago a co-worker and I who are the same age decided to write a book about Old People. Our idea was to compile a list of behaviors that identified someone as an old person, regardless of their chronological age.

We agreed that we, and four or five other co-workers would form a bond and hold each other accountable for not exhibiting any of these traits. We would be the OPP or, Old People Police, alerting anyone in the group about traits that might label them as someone getting older.

I recently came across an old email from my co-author, one we were mailing back and forth adding items for the book. I list a few of them here. Old People:

-have clip-on sun glasses
-have standing hair appointments on Friday
-carry Styrofoam containers out of restaurants
-have a kissing Dutch couple in their front flower bed
-wear big jeweled rings on every finger
-have a button box
-talk louder into the phone when it is a long-distance call
-have white, boxer-like cotton underwear
-read Reminisce
-use words like malarkey and bologna
-sip drinks through little pursed lips
-carry their purses over their forearm
-have boxes of tissues in their cars
-wear knee-hi nylons with skirts, rolled down to their ankles
-have a gas usage booklet stuck in the car visor
-line up their pills by their water glasses in restaurants
-take sweetener packets home from restaurants
-buy ribbon candy at Christmas and throw it out in April
-place fold-up aluminum chairs on either side of their shiny globe lawn ornament to make 'an arrangement'

And now that I'm thinking about it I say, "So?"